Here’s a quick joke to cheer you up. Enjoy…

Employee: I want a day off work.
Employer:Want a day off work?
So you want a day off. Let’s take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I’ll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

I came across some really funny quotes and thought I’d share them here to make sure all of you will have happy faces during the weekend… Enjoy 🙂

• Opinions are like feet. Everybody’s got a couple, and they usually stink. -Jim Slattery-
• Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. -Carl Gustav Jung-
• The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order. -Brian Pickrell-
• If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. –Unknown-
• We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. – Phyllis Diller-
• Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted. –Anonymous-
• Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. -Gordon R. Dickson-
• If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you. –Unknown-
• How do you feel about women’s rights? I like either side of them. -GROUCHO MARX-
• Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. -Redd Foxx-
• If a person wants to be atheistic, it’s his God-given right to be an atheist.-Michael Patton-
• Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. -George Carlen-
• What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? -Ursula K. LeGuin-
• She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon. -GROUCHO MARX-
• Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally promoting a falsehood, isn’t it? -Anonymous-
• Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You’re crazy. -Anonymous drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859-
• Philosophy consists very largely of one philosopher arguing that all other philosophers are jackasses. He usually proves it, and I should add that he also usually proves that he is one himself. -Henry Louis (H. L.) Mencken-
• Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. -Mark Twain –
• No one is listening until you fart. –Anonymous-
• I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception. -GROUCHO MARX-
• If you don’t want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won’t have to work. -Ogden Nash-
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. –Unknown-
• Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction. -Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872-
• If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then give up. No use being a damned fool about it. -W. C. Fields-
• Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else. -Unknown-
• Buy land. They’ve stopped making it. -Mark Twain-
• We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people. -Colonel Gerald Wellman-
• Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others. -GROUCHO MARX-

Sometimes the great and the good, rich and famous, get carried away. They say things that turn out to be radically wrong and later wish they had kept quiet. Or what they say is just plain stupid. Here are some examples:

• No one will need more than 637Kb of memory for a personal computer’ – Bill Gates
• Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.’ – Irving Fisher (1929)
• We don’t like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out’ – Decca record executive on the Beatles
• Radio has no future.’ – Lord Kelvin, 1897
• Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.’ – Lord Kelvin
• Everything that can be invented has been invented.- – 1899, Charles Duell, U.S. Office of Patents.
• There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.’ – Ken Olson, 1977, Digital Equipment Corporation
• The Internet is a great way to get on the Net.’ – Bob Dole
• Life is very important to Americans.’ – Bob Dole
• A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.’ – Dan Quayle
• I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.’ – Dan Quayle
• It’s not pollution that is hurting the environment, it’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.’ – Dan Quayle
• If we don’t succeed we run the risk of failure.’ – Dan Quayle
• A zebra does not change its spots.’ – Al Gore on George Bush (1992)
• I have opinions of my own –strong opinions– but I don’t always agree with them.’ – George Bush
• Fiction writing is great, you can make up almost anything.’ – Ivana Trump

Source: Said What.